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Cook subjected to a Performance Appraisal by employers, goes back to Nepal in Despair

Bahadur Singh Thapa during the Appraisal and After.

Bangalore. Bahadur Singh Thapa, a Non Resident Nepali have thrown in the towel and gone back to Nepal leaving behind a lucrative and high paying job of cooking for Software engineers here in the IT capital of India- Bangalore.

The two perpetrators of the crime, the employers of Thapa, Satinder Pal Singh Bains and Devinder Kumar Bose who are both IT engineers, were nonchalant about the whole issue but did express a bit of a disappointment at the turn of events.

“It was a brilliant idea and might I add, a fare one at that, where the cook, the appraisee would be first given an opportunity to rate his own performance with a standard rating parameters D,C,B,A which stood for Partially met expectation, Met Expectation, Exceeded Expectation and ‘ Oh, My God! You should work in a Michelin Star Restaurant’ and then we as the Appraisers would give him a feedback and a relative rating.” said Satinder.

“Another analogy could be with say a skirt. Like Knee length for D, a Mini for C, a Micro Mini for B and then a 'Oh, My God, don’t bend, Mini' for an A” said Devinder with a chuckle. At this point we are pretty sure our reporter rolled his eyes and let out a muffled "Desperate" cough.

But this didn’t stop Satinder Pal, who recently got promoted to a Managers role and have designed the whole Cook rating process, from going into a monologue of how the whole system is supposed to work,

” Let me break it down for you. In order to have a fare assessment of Thapa, or “resource” as we lovingly called him, The Cook was evaluated on various parameters like

Schedule Adherence: In this parameter it was determined whether the Chapati he delivered were Pan hot by the time they reached our plate or if the dinner was cooked within the 7 minutes we allocated him.

Taste Injection Ratio: Calculated as –

(Number of Certified Tasty Lunches+Dinners/ Total number of Lunches+Dinners) *100.

The target was set at a modest 83 but Thapa stood at a lowly 76 but we still gave him a Mini Skirt.

Contribution to Knowledge Management: The idea of this parameter was to determine how much have Thapa been contributing to the pool of knowledge we have maintained as sticky notes on our fridge. The idea is that we would finally achieve a state where any given day any other “resource” can step into his shoes and know where the chillies are, on which shelves are the garam masalas and eggs located, where to get the groceries, what snacks we like with our Friday night scotch, you know, the works. But it turned out Thapa wasn’t very keen on these processes and got a C."

“He deserved a ghagra for this one. You know our new resource, Daleep is still getting his KT 15 days later and can’t tell MDH Garam Masala powder from MTR Kitchen King” interrupted Devinder frowning. But Satinder went on,

"Innovation or value add to Sabji/Dal: Any recognition; awards; End user testimonials which Thapa got none and hence a Ghagra.

Contribution to re-use : effort saved because of re-use: Thapa really scored high on this one since he really liked dishing up last night’s left overs as the next days breakfast. I suppose it saved him on the time and effort and saved us, the money. A win win in these recession prone times. He got a well deserved A for this one.

Initiatives and process compliance: Thapa sucked on both the parameters, since neither did he came up with any new dishes like Chicken Tandori Pasta nor did he follow any laid down processes effectively earning him a Ghagra again.

Certification planned and completed: Thapa never gave any 'Papu Da Vaishnu Dhabha' certified certification in either the current or the last cycle, leaving him not qualified for a CRR1+ i.e the top most Cook Relative Ratio, the performance measurement parameter based upon which we were going to give him a raise in his already significant pay.

Aspirations with respect to career direction : This one was the key points of discourse which didn’t go down too well. You see, Thapa wanted an Onsite opportunity, where he would be cooking for some hot shot IT manager living in some upmarket area of Kormangala, while we still paid for his dues here in BTM. He also wanted a better pay, for God’s sake!! Nothing doing, we said. Thats when he went all ape shit. He didn’t even give us an opportunity to rate him.” Satinder Finally, and I mean Finally, concluded.

“I don’t know what happened. We were trying to be all fare and shit and giving him some motivational examples of some earlier “resources” before him when he suddenly went nuts and took out his Kukri. He then started tearing down everything in his path and running like Forest Gump to, what we have heard, all the way to Nepal thus ruining our Friday night since he hadn't yet cooked our cursory Snacks. We had to munch on Haldiram to swallow our JD, for God's Sake!!” said Devinder.

“Though the upside to the whole event is that the attrition rate for the cooks in our household is still close to only 39% which is like way better than the company we both work for” Satinder signed off.

Breaking News: Chuck Noris to Direct '3 Gundas' starring Mithun Chakraborty, Sunny Deol and RajiniKanth

World War 3

Chennai. Here's a news that would send the millions of fans of Mithun, Sunny Deol and Rajinikanth into frenzy.Chuck Noris has announced in a press confrence here in Chennai that he'll direct the 3 times National award winner Mithunda, 2 times National award Winner Sunny Deol and Padma Bhushan Shri Shri Rajinikanth in an epic tale of 3 honest men who become the target of a vicious gang lord, after inadvertently interfering in a mission leading to a cycle of retributive violence.The movie is supposed to be a sequel to the 1998's sleeper hit, the cult classic 'Gunda' starring Mithunda in his Earth Shattering Avatar as 'Shankar' and would be released in 3D. While characters like 'Lambu Atta', 'Ibu Hatela', 'Pote' and 'Bulla' would obviously be missed by the fans, there is still reason to rejoice since it has been confimed that Shakti Kapoor would reprise his role as 'Chuttiya' along with the obvious selection of Prabhuji as the airport coolie 'Shankar'.Though the characters of Sunny Deol and Rajinikanth have been kept under the wraps for the time being but this reporter is pretty sure they are gonna be equally Kick Ass.The distribution rights for the movie have already been sold in Chennai, Kolkata, Punjab and Japan territory for a record breaking 1 Billion USD forcing James Cameron to push the release date of his much awaited Avatar-2 by 2 years.It is reported that the some 13 people went blind at the press conference from the amount of sheer Awesomeness at one place. The other guests present at the press confrence were Kungfu Panda- Po, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Barney Stintson, Terminator T-1000 and Fucking Rambo. Jack Bauer was seen camping at the site 24 hours before the scheduled time, trying to catch a glimse of Thalaivaar. Our Geeky Patrakar caught up with him, looking visibly excited,"Thalaivaar have always been my inspiration. The things I achieve in 24 hours he does in 24 milliseconds." said Bauer. Quentin Tarantino, who was earlier rumored to replace the legendary 'Kanti Shah' as the director was also present at the gala event looking visibly relieved and in awe of all the Legends present at the event, "Sure! I wanted to be at the helms but the more I thought about it, the more nervous I became. I mean just think about it, Rajini, Sunny Bhaji and Prabhuji all in the same frame!!! That itself would throw the Earth off its orbit. Thats beyond me, only someone as Epic as Chuck Noris could have handled it. Besides my trademark Mexican Standoff wouldn't go down too well with Thalaivaar's fan. You don't point a gun at Rajini and live to tell the tale. That simply doesn't happen."Sunny Deol who is riding high on the success of his latest- YPD was also very excited about the whole arrangement and promised that he would Yell like he has never Yelled before so as to not leave his fans(?) disappointed, especially considering the presence of other show stealing stalwarts.Chuck Norris, on the other hand promised that he would add his own personal touch to the movie and that there would be atleast one 'Whistle Worthy' scene involving RajiniKanth, Sunny, Prabhuji, nihontō (a kind of Japanese Sword) and Chun Kuk Do.Mithunda on his part promised that Mimoh won't be part of the project in any way whatsoever.Thalaivaar though had the last words when he said, " திஸ் இஸ் கோயன் டு பே லேகேண்டரி ".Outside the Press conference, fans of the 3 stars were seen offerring baths to the huge cutouts of the 3 stars with Rôshogolla Juice, Whisky and Milk respectively.The movie is supposed to release on 21st Dec 2012, the end of Mayan Calendar and world as we know it. This reporter feels like calling his Mom now. Mummmmmyyyyyy.....